Animal Telepathy is a load of bull wank.

Regular readers to this blog will know I get ever so slightly hot under the collar every time that fucking mumbo jumbo bollocky bull wank Reiki is mentioned anywhere near me. It really does have the capacity to blow a fuse deep in my brain. It enrages me that fucking hucksters and snake oil peddlers prey on the feeble minded and the sick to shill them out of their money. ENRAGES me I tell you. it makes me want to kick things clear across the room. If I was Queen they would be first to the wall, believe me.
But-while scoffing down bacon and eggs not one hour ago-I have since learned that it is not JUST reiki-spit spit- that can send me to the abyss of howling fury. In fact I was horrified to find that ' Practitioners of Animal Telepathy' have the very same bloody effect.
This is not good. I don't need that level of hostility rising within me when I am trying to eat. I should probably start switching off the radio during breakfast. Or stop listening to Brenda Power at any rate. I may have mentioned this before. Why do I torture myself so?

WHAT LEVEL OF FUCKING HALF WIT BELIEVES IN ANIMAL TELEPATHY?

Well it turns out that our country is RAMPANT with fucking half wits. Not five minutes after the fraud and huckster was on some other idiot rang the bloody show and wanted to send a PICTURE of her DOG to the 'healer' so that the 'healer and telepath' could READ the dog's mind via the fucking photo. When Brenda Power said, 'Make sure it's a clear picture where you can see the dogs eyes, that's very important' I gave up trying to eat, flung my breakfast into the bigger of the cats, kicked the press under the sink and tore in here to look online.

Could this be true? Are we really over run with simpletons?
It would appear so.
I found a web page, oh what a web page. I have been reading it, steam rising gently from my ears.
Here, allow me to share with you some of the wonder claims made by these oh so gifted individuals.

"I offer hypnotherapy (analytical and suggestion), Past Life Regression therapy, Tapas Acupressure, Reiki or Integrated Energy Therapy (Healing with the Energy of Angels), and I have to say I really enjoy my work! When a person comes to see me, they are offered a safe, confidential service. They can choose one of the therapies on it's own, or sometimes a combination of various therapies can prove useful. It is like calling a plumber to your house - he comes with a bag of tools, and won't know which tool will be necessary until he assesses the situation. Both Reiki and the Integrated Energy Therapy are also available to animals to help them kick-start their immune systems. Any therapies offered to either humans or animals are not a substitute for medical or veterinarian treatment, but can serve a purpose as a "complementary therapy." Absent healing can also be organised."


"Baby Whispering: Jane has recently been asked to use her telepathic abilities to communicate with small babies, which she calls ‘Baby Whispering’ as she can relate how they are feeling, what they are seeing and areas of pain, as well as asking specific questions, something that has helped greatly in treatment and diagnosis. However she will only do this for babies under medical care and with the permission of their doctor."

"I am a Reiki Master/teacher. An animal trainer and behaviourist for many years, I have found that the holistic approach to problems can bring about rapid results. Reiki Works for you and your animal companion. Stressed out humans and animals benefit greatly from Reiki therapy. Balance the energy of mind, body and soul. Non invasive hands on healing."

"I have been a member of the Bi-Aura Foundation since 2002. I treat a variety of ailments from people being simply run down and tired all the time, migraine, arthritis and the list goes on. I also treat animals big and small. If you require further information please do not hesitate to contact me for a chat."


Sweet Chulutha on a unicycle. The Bi-Aura foundation? That's this crowd, http://www.bi-aura.com/ Saying you've been a member is like saying you've been with a traveling circus for a few years, so bloody what? Just because it has a dicky official sounding title doesn't make it any less of a breeding ground for purveyors of poppycockery, they're just better organised.

Ask yourself this chumlies! Why will the fucking baby whisperer only 'do' her shit for a baby under medical care? If she's just 'reading' the babies minds why the need for a doctor's permission? Wouldn't the parent's permission do just as well. Surely the baby can 'okay' it too, since it appear to be so chatty.

How bloody convenient that the huckster shower have moved on to animals to read.
Picture the scene. Having forked over her hard earned money for a session, a lady is astounded to be tol...

'Hi Mrs Quin, Bobby tell me he's a little sad today.'
'Really? Why?" Lifts overweight pug onto lap.
'He's telling me he feels fear of abandonment. Have you left his for an unusually long time recently?'
'Oh my God, I DID leave him, remember I told you a few weeks back about my daughter's wedding. OH gosh, I had to leave him at home all day.'
'Ah, that's it, that's what he trying to show me. He says he was alone for hours, and very frightened.'
'Oh Bobby, I never knew! I'm so sorry.'
'He's telling me he forgives you.'
'Oh Bobby!'

Cold reading, guess work and good memory for details previously learned. Shit, who doesn't leave their dog alone. And it's not like Bobby can suddenly pipe up, 'Steady on old chap, I'm feeling rather fine today. I was just wondering when we can get the hell out of this stuffy front room and go have some lunch.'


The plumber analogy is my favourite. Yeah a plumber doesn't know what tool is right for the job until he sees what the problem is, but then he fixes the problem with them. What he doesn't do it take them OUT of his tool bag, call someone ELSE to fix the actual problem and then charge you for 'complimentary plumbing'.

Oh these people make me sick to my stomach. I hate them with the power of a thousand suns. They should be illegal, they should be hounded in groups and pelted with tomatoes. They should be horsewhipped. They should -every single one of them- be made have a disclaimer with 'we're are charlatans, charlatans are we' under all their amazing claims.

I've just heard a long and plaintive wail from my kitchen. Using my own mental telepathy I can 'sense' the bigger of the cats wants to be let out.
Zounds! I was right.
Where can I hang my plaque announcing my 'unique and fucking awesome power'?

I remember the lilac biological incubator attempting to get me to bring Puddy to a 'faith Healer' when she had her run in with cancer that time. I chose the vet, assuming, as most good pet owners will, that she needed medical attention far more than she needed some gruesome quack 'laying' his gnarly hands on her. Puddy is at this moment killing the circulation to my lower legs and purring up a storm. Imagine that. Without the 'inner ancient knowledge of the spirit world' my vet was able to tackle what could have ended her life quick smart.

If you need a bloody quack to mentally read what's troubling your dog you need to stop having a dog, seriously. Get a gold fish.

Quacks, I am so firmly against them it makes little squeaks of incandescent rage escape me unbidden.